This first post of 2019 has been the hardest to write by far. The others have been easy because it is my brutally, honest reality. It's difficult to be honest about accomplishing goals, especially when you're the only person in your way of reaching them. So here is the difference I'd like to see in the 2019 edition of Alex (that's me).
On December 31st in pure nostalgic fashion my friend and I made vision boards of what we want to manifest in the new year. I also went to New Year's eve service at my awesome church FCBC and as usual left feeling refreshed, empowered and ready to take on the new year. Then January 2nd came and I felt scared, anxious even nautious (relax I'm not pregnant). It was the same feeling of uncertainty, low self-esteem and reminders of past failures continued to creep into my head.
What's so different about this year? Why do I feel the same?
I was asking questions as if the "New Year Fairy" was supposed to take a magic wand and turn me into this fearless superstar/wow factor over night! It doesn't work like that.
Then it hit me that the most important resolution that I could tackle is my Outlook (How I view myself, others, and life.)
Our church theme this year is to be human. I said "Oh that's easy I already love everyone and tolerate those I have differences with." It's deeper than that. It has always amazed me that humans are the only species to not be what they were created to be. Lions will protect themselves and tear you to pieces even if they think you're nice haha. A fish will swim it's little heart, birds do what birds do, trees stand in all their glory, but humans can easily be inhumane. And so can I. Now relax, I don't have a torture chamber for the mail man who won't wait for me to come down the stairs if I have a package, or for the delivery guy who cheats me out of an extra couple of bucks every other week. What I have is a lack of belief In humanity. The sweet little girl from Picayune, Mississippi thought everyone was simply lovely and that even the worst apple and a good little worm inside. New York will change you and if you were born and raised here you've always kept one eye open. I no longer immediately see the good in people and that's sad because that usually means that it's hard for you to see the good within yourself.
Takeaways
So I could give you a long list of things (the list is REALLY long) of what I want to happen this year, but I hope you notice through my blogs, videos, and social media posts, that I'm learning to love humans again and falling back in love with Alex. Because when I had big hopes for humanity it seemed that I also had big hopes for myself and the impossible wasn't such a far stretch.
Fear has to go! I'm so scared of myself and how amazing I could be it's crazy. There's no room for fear when you're too busy loving (it's a verb you know). And I mean really loving, life, yourself and yes even the mail man who won't deliver your packages after 1 knock . Look, I know everyday is not going to be sparkles and unicorns and broadway lights, but if it didn't kill us we can still hit the stage!!
Oh yeah, and being a good wife isn't on the list. I think he prefers me bad anyway.
As Always
BE THE FUN YOU WISH TO HAVE
Learning to love you the right way,
-Alex
